


The List

by phandoe



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Teenagers, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Phanfiction, Phil Needs a Hug, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, References to Depression, Underage Sex, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-05 19:33:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11584725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phandoe/pseuds/phandoe
Summary: au where dan is 16 and phil is 19 and phil went away to serve in the war. when soldiers start returning, their names are released to notify their families. one name doesn't make the list.





	1. Pilot

_ “Richard Miller. _

_ Ben Arbor. _

_ Harrison Smith. _

_ George Davis. _

_ Cody Barker…” _

 

The news anchor continued on reading the names that were on ‘the list’. For the months that this list has existed, it had not been considered breaking news except the very first time it was read. Since then printed copies have been released in the paper and delivered to every doorstep every time the names were updated. The List had the names of the soldiers who were confirmed to be returning from the war. Sometimes the list was long — very, very long. Other times, it was no more than a page. Each time his name wasn’t on it.

“Is it there?” Cornelia asked, her bottom lip between her teeth and Martyn shook his head at the same time as his father.

“No, it’s not. And this is the last one.” 

_ “There it is. The last of our men who have made it home.”  _ This was determined to be the final list by the government and if a name was not on it, it meant more than just that they were not coming home alive — chances are they would never be found and therefore loved ones would not even have closure by burial. 

Mrs. Lester held onto her tea with shaky hands, a solemn look on her face as she stared into her mug. The sorrow had always existed, but this time its pull was stronger than gravity.

The door sounded as Daniel entered the house, holding his own copy of the paper and tears in his eyes. He blinked them back as he took in the state of the dining room. 

“He wasn’t on it,” he whispered. Mr. Lester tightened his jaw, his grip on the paper tearing through. His eyes were on names, though he was no longer reading it. “Maybe.. Maybe there’ll be another one…”

Martyn shook his head again and spoke in a voice that sounded distant and hollow, “There won’t be.”

“Could’ve been a mistake! They must’ve just missed it-”

“No,” Mr. Lester said, interrupting Daniel’s almost blind optimism. “There was no mistake. My boy is not coming home.” His voice broke as the last word left his mouth and he shook with sadness and fear and heartbreak.


	2. Romans 12:12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be faithful in prayer."

Daniel Howell has lived next door to the Lester family since the age of 6. He had permitted himself into their backyard one afternoon as he was on quite the mission. However, he was surprised to find a swing set in the yard and a boy sitting gingerly on one of the swings; looking at him curiously.

“Who might you be?”

“Dan.”

“Where from?”

Dan pointed to his house just over the fence and Phil nodded slowly.

“I'm Phil. Did you come to play?”

Dan bit his lip, hesitating to tell him the truth. He shook his head. “I'm looking for ghosts.”

Phil couldn't hold back his laugh. “Ghosts are invisible, you can't look for ‘em, mate.”

“I know that,” Dan said with a glare, crossing his arms.

“So you must've come to play then if you know that.”

Dan nodded, his face turning a soft red. Phil smiled and stood up, offering his seat.

“I'll push ya.”

Dan’s eyes brightened and he clapped his hands before running over excitedly and climbing onto the seat. “Please, please!”

Phil only giggled again and gently began to push the strange boy who kicked his legs out excitedly.

“Y’know, Phil…”

“Hm?”

“You kinda look like a ghost.”

“No, I don't!”

“Something only a ghost would say!”

“Yeah well you look like my hair!”

Dan whipped his head back, a confused look on his face. “You've gone all red like my hair,” Phil explained and Dan busted into a fit of giggles.

“Sure, Phil.”

*******

Dan was laying wide awake in his bedroom, staring up the ceiling. There were stickers stuck up there from when Phil would stay the night. He used to jump on the bed to reach until the age of 15 where standing on the bed with a little stretch would suffice. Back then Dan wasn't tall enough to take them down.

_“Want to be the last thing you think about before you go to sleep.”_

_“That's gay, Phil.” Dan laughed and pushed Phil down onto his bed then laid next to him._

_“It's not. It's nice. Don't you like thinking about me?”_

_Dan looked at him but Phil was looking up at the cat stickers he stuck to the ceiling. “I do,” Dan replied softly._

Phil never left his mind after he left for the war. He promised he would come back as the war would only last “a few months, no more than a year” and Dan promised he'd have a beard by then. They shook on it by linking their pinkies.

His phone rang three times before he got off his feet to pick it up. It was Martyn telling him he should come over for dinner this evening and he happily obliged. He and Martyn didn't begin to really know each other until after Phil had gone. Dan needed someone to lean on in his absence and while Martyn had his lovely girlfriend Cornelia, Dan did not. His only friend was Phil and he never questioned if that was enough.

Dinner was silent at first. Weeks have settled in since the last name's were called. Dan kept his optimism to himself and secretly to Mrs. Lester, who was sure her youngest son was alive somewhere. Cornelia made small talk and soon enough the conversations picked up and things felt almost normal. Almost.

After dinner was finished and dishes were done, Dan excused himself back home for the night. He slipped his shoes back on near the door, kneeling down to tie his laces when he heard it. He looked up to see the knob to the front door jiggle momentarily. Then there was a faint jingle of keys and one being pushed into the lock. He was frozen in place, but found his voice.

“Martyn…”

“Yeah, mate?” He called from the other room.

“C’mere, quick!” Dan rose to his feet just as the door opened. The first thing he saw was a pair of ice blue eyes that met his own. He couldn't breathe.

“Wh-oh… shit.” Martyn looked on in shock. “Phil…? Mum! Mum!”

The man stood awkwardly, but motionless. His eyes left Dan’s to look over the people who entered the room in a rush.

“Oh my god,” were the words that left the Mr. and Mrs. mouth when they saw him.

Clad in camo and heavy boots, he cleared his throat. “Hi, mum.”

“Oh, my boy…” Her eyes welled up and she cupped her hand over her mouth to stifle a sob.

He looked down at his feet and frowned before looking at the woman stood before him.

“Forgive me, I've tracked in mud.”

For some reason this made everyone laugh and everyone cry and his mother embraced him, followed by his father.

“My son, welcome home.”


	3. Psalm 25:16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted."

There were questions being asked a mile a minute even as he was motioned into the kitchen to eat. Mrs. Lester wasted no time warming up the leftovers from dinner and pouring a tall glass of water.

“We’ve missed you so much. When we stopped getting your letters, we thought…” Cornelia trailed off, wiping away her tears.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Mr. Lester inquired, placing a hand on his shoulder as he looked him over.

“I’m in need of a bath more than anything,” was his only response. A dinner plate was placed in front of him at his seat at the breakfast bar and he began to eat. His movements were timid as if he was still trying to take this all in.

“I don’t understand, how come your name wasn’t on the list?”

“The list?” His eyes met the pools of dark again. It was Dan who had asked.

“Yes, there’s a list with the names of the soldiers who were suppose to come home. This was the last one,” Dan said as he quickly shuffled through the pile of newspapers on the counter and then handed him the paper. “Your name is not on it. Did no one know you were alive?”

His eyes scanned the page and his brows furrowed. “My name is here. What are you on about?”

“What? No—”

A finger pointed to one of the names not too far down the page and he held it towards Dan’s view, though everyone leaned over to look. “It’s right there.”

_Cody Barker._

“That’s not… That isn’t…” Dan fumbled over his words, shaking his head as he backed away.

“Your name isn’t Cody. It’s Philip. Philip Lester,” came Mrs. Lester’s voice, her hand rubbing his back soothingly.

“No, I… I’m not…”

“Did they brainwash you or somethin’?” Martyn asked, looking just as confused as everyone else.

“What…? I—”

“Hold on just a moment!” Cornelia ran out of the room and came back a moment later with a photo album in her hands. “Do you remember this?”

The book was opened to a photo that looked a few years old. In the picture were Phil and his family as well as Dan and Cornelia. They were all out by a lake and Dan and Phil were sat together on a log. Phil’s arm was around Dan, who looked much different than he does now. In the photo he was tan and much smaller and even looked much happier. He couldn’t help but wonder what changed that in him.

_“Phil! I will not set up camp by myself,” Dan yelled as he laid out the foundation. Phil was too busy looking at his phone to notice his friend had said something. “Phil!”_

_“What, mate? Why are you so whiny?”_

_“‘M not whiny. I need you to help me unless you wanna sleep on twigs and get mauled by a bear.”_

_“As if a tent would protect us from a bear,” Phil laughed, rolling his eyes. He kneeled down to help Dan out anyway._

_“It would! He would spare us and go for the marshmallows instead if he sees the bag first.”_

_“Doesn’t your nana call you ‘bear’?”_

_Dan flushed red. “Maybe sometimes.”_

_“Should I really be sharing a tent with someone who maybe sometimes is a bear? Seems a little risky,” Phil laughed again. He loved seeing his friend get flustered._

_“Probably not since you’re as white as a marshmallow, I might just mistake you for one!”_

_“Aye!” Phil bumped Dan just enough to knock him to the ground and they both laughed. “Actually shut up!”_

_“Careful, you’re messing with a bear!” Dan lunged at Phil, tackling him into the tent._

“Where’s my cast?”

Cornelia smiled in relief. “This was taken when we first got to the campsite. Before you guys tried to set up camp and Dan broke your arm.” She bumped Dan lightly and he smiled faintly.

“Was an accident, y’know.” He rubbed the back of his neck, but kept his eyes on Phil.

“Of course.” Phil sighed. “Of course, Cody Barker is not my name. Must’ve picked it up along the way somehow. I don’t know.”

“It’s okay,” his mother reassured him. “Please don’t worry yourself with something so futile. Are you still hungry? I can fix you another plate.”

“No, no, thank you.” Phil wiped his mouth with his napkin and began to stand up. “I’m grateful for the dinner. You should not worry yourself with more dishes than necessary. I should take that bath now.”

“Yes, yes, of course.” His mother looked at him fondly and pulled him into another hug. “I’m so happy to have you home.”

“I’m happy to be home, mum.”

*******

Martyn and Dan helped Phil settle into his old room. Unpacking his one duffle bag of luggage and concluding it was best to throw it in the laundry. Martyn gathered some of his own clothes for Phil to wear before leaving to drive Cornelia home. Dan found himself alone and waiting in Phil’s bedroom. He needed to talk to him. He had so many questions. Phil looked so different now. His hair was cut short and there was no trace of the black dye he started using when he was 15. He looked bigger, but in a strong way but not so much so that he looked like the heros in Dan’s favourite comics. Dan was lost in his train of thought and didn’t notice Phil had entered the room until he felt the bed dip beside him.

“You look different,” Phil said.

“I could say the same about you.” It wasn’t his intention to whisper those words, but he found it was much harder for him to speak or breathe or look Phil in the eye now that they were in private.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, Dan. Didn’t you say you’d have a beard?”

“Didn’t you say you’d be back before a year?”

Phil looked away and fidgeted with the drawstrings of his joggers.

“And you can’t _see_ ghosts, Phil. You know that.”

“I was only buying you some time to keep up your end of the promise.”

Dan stared at Phil for a few seconds, his brain trying to figure out if he wanted to reply with a cheeky comment or yell at him for leaving or hugging him indefinitely so he could never leave again.

“I hate you.” Dan whispered the words softly so Phil would know he didn’t mean it.

“I know,” Phil nodded and gave him a faint smile. He patted Dan’s knee then gave it a gentle squeeze. The touch was enough to make Dan wrap his arms tightly around his best friend, pulling him close and burying his face into the crook of his neck. Without missing a beat, Phil’s arms were linked around the younger boy, pulling him atop his lap so they were chest to chest. Phil buried his nose into the brunette’s curls, longing for the familiar scent. Eyes closed, tears rolled down his cheeks silently until Dan felt the wetness on his own skin.

“Phil…? What is it?” Dan attempted to pull back enough to get a glimpse of his friend’s face, but Phil only held him tighter.

“I was alone, Dan. And I was so scared.”


	4. Psalm 56:3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theres another flashback in this chapter, its starts after the asterisk. please let me know if i should put a clearer break when there's flashback scenes or if youd like it italicized or if its fine this way x

That night Dan and Phil found themselves sharing stories with each other about their lives without the other, although Phil shared much less. This didn’t bother Dan too much because he knew after Phil stopped crying that it was much too hard for him to talk about his experiences right now. 

“What was his name again?”

“PJ.”

“And you really kissed him?”

“Yeah,” Dan nodded and bit his lip, averting his gaze. 

“On the lips?”

“Mhm.”

“Wow.”

“Wow, what?”

“You kissed a guy. I’m a little surprised, but can you blame me? You were always talking about how cute Amber was.”

“I still think she’s cute. Just not in a ‘I’d like to connect mouths’ kinda way.”

They both laughed and Phil rolled over onto his side, looking at his friend more intently now. Dan shifted a bit without moving away and felt his face flush pink. 

“What’s got you flustered, eh?”

“Nothin’. Just been a while since you’ve looked at me like that.”

Phil furrowed his brows in confusion then let out a light chuckle. “Uh, look at you like what? What do you mean, mate?”

Dan felt his face heat up more and he shrugged. “N-nothing just forget it.” 

Phil eyed him then hummed in acknowledgement before yawning and Dan instinctively reached over to cover his mouth. Phil swatted his hand away and smiled. “Are you staying?”

“You couldn’t send me away if you tried.” Dan pulled the duvet higher up and made himself comfortable. “I won’t risk letting you out of arm’s reach.”

“I wouldn’t dream of being anywhere else,” Phil mumbled before letting out another yawn then closing his eyes. 

“Night, bear.”

“G’night, Phil.”

*******

“Aye, Danny!”

Dan was putting away some books in his locker when he heard Phil call his name. “Just a minute!” He slammed the door shut and ripped off the notes some students had stuck to his locker calling him mean names. Crumpling them up before Phil could see and tossing them in the bin.

“What was that?” Phil asked when Dan finally reached him. 

“Nothin’ important. Let's get Nandos?”

They walked side by side in silence for most of the way until Phil inquired about the locker incident again.

“You could just tell me, y’know.”

“I did tell you. It’s nothin’.”

“Was it love letters?” Phil laughed and bumped his arm against Dan’s. “Amber finally noticed you?”

“Piss off!” Dan yelled and shoved him back. “The day Amber notices me will be the day you lose your virginity which is never going to happen!” 

“Aye, watch it!” Phil laughed and went to shove him, but Dan took off running into the restaurant leaving Phil to chase after him.

“You eat like a horse, Philly,” Dan said with a mouthful of chicken. 

“Have I not taught you any manners?” Phil rolled his eyes and grabbed a napkin, wiping at Dan’s chin then tossing the napkin in his face. Dan glared back at him, but was too hungry to bother with revenge at the moment. Instead he let out a moan and wiggled happily in his seat after taking another bite of his food.

“Soooo good.”

“You sure are somethin’.” Phil laughed and sipped his coke. He looked around the restaurant and spotted Amber with some of her girl friends from school. “You should go talk to her.”

“Who?” Dan took Phil’s drink and began chugging what was left.

“Amber.”

“She’s here?!” He whipped his head around and immediately choked once he saw her. Phil let out a loud laugh and proceeded to pat his friend’s back.

“Yeah, she is. You should talk to her before you end up with fizz all over you.”

“No fucking way I’m talking to her,” Dan exclaimed, bewildered. “I’m a complete loser. I shouldn’t even be in the same Nandos as her.”

“Yeah because this is so upper-class.” Phil rolled his eyes. “If you’re not gonna talk to your little crush then how about we get out of here?”

Dan nodded his head quickly, getting up just as another boy was passing by behind him. He bumped him with his seat and quickly turned to apologize. “Shit, sorry!”

“S’alright, mate.” The boy smiled at him then moved on, but Dan didn’t look away. He was mesmerised by the boy’s brown curls and green eyes. His heart seemed to be thrown off beat and any coherent thought he may have had was, well, gone.

“Dan? Danny?” Phil tried getting his attention, but he seemed lost in thought. “Hey, bear?” Phil spoke softly and squeezed Dan’s elbow.

“W-What? Oh! Sorry, I totally zoned out for a minute.”

“S’okay. You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Dan slipped back on his jacket and walked back outside with Phil, heading back home. 

“Um, Dan?”

“Hm?” Dan didn’t look up from the sidewalk, still focusing on kicking small pebbles as they went.

“You know all that talk about the war? I’m, uh, I’m thinkin’ of goin’.”

Dan’s steps faltered and he stumbled, his eyes meeting blue. “You what?”

“I-”

“No, you’re not! You’re not going! Why would you even say that?”

“Because-”

“No! We are not talking about this. You aren’t leaving. You’re not doing that.”

“Would you listen-”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Phil! You’re not leaving me and that’s that!” He didn’t care that at this point they were about to start arguing in the middle of the sidewalk outside of his house. 

“I don’t want to leave you, but I think this is the right thing for me to do,” Phil said calmly. He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down.

“Leaving me on my own is the right thing to do?”

“Dan, not everything is about you!”

“This isn’t about me! This is about us!” Dan stopped himself and took a breath, squeezing his eyes shut. “What I’m trying to say is I don’t think it’ll be good for our friendship because we literally talk everyday and hang out everyday, I just… I don’t… I don’t know what else I’m suppose to do without you around, Phil.”

Phil chewed on his lip, watching as Dan’s outburst turned into softness and he pulled him into his arms. He didn’t know what to say because he knew he couldn’t reassure him, couldn’t make promises he can’t keep and up until now he was sure he didn’t know how to let Dan — his Dan — go.


	5. Psalm 56:3 (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."

_ “Run, B!” Phil couldn’t even hear his own voice over the sound of the firearms around them. He was shoving at the man in front of him to keep moving, but the man had entered a state of shock. “We have to move!” _

_ “I…” _

_ “Hey!” Phil shook him violently. “Look at me! We need to go. Now.” In the distance the sound of another bomb descending burned his eardrums and Phil dropped to ground, pulling him along with him, shielding themselves as best they could.  _

_ “Just fucking leave! Go, Phil! I can’t do this!” The young blonde man screamed, not opening his eyes.  _

_ “I’m not leaving you!” _

_ “Do the right thing and go!” _

_ Phil felt his heart start pounding, not because of anything happening around him but because of the words that left his mate’s mouth: do the right thing. _

_ “I don’t want to leave you,” Phil whispered, but more to himself. He looked up at the sky then back to his friend, who was still covering his ears, and grabbed his arm. “I can’t leave you, Dan. Not again.” He pulled him up and they ran, keeping their statures low to avoid the gunfire. _

_ “Phil!” _

_ “Just keep moving!” _

_ “Phil!” _

_ Phil pulled him towards a dugout, seeking shelter. “Here!” _

_ “Phil!” _

_ “What?!” _

_ “Who’s Dan?” _

Phil awoke abruptly, his body gasping for air as if he was being held underwater. 

“Oh god,” he exclaimed. His entire body was shaking and he was covered in cold sweat.

“S’okay, I’m right here,” Dan said sleepily as he sat up, resting a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “You’re home, remember?”

Phil flinched at the touch, scrambling away from it and out of bed. “W-What? N-no..” He panted and shook, eyes darting around the room in the dark before launching back at the bed and grabbing the knife he hid under his pillow. 

“Phil, no! It’s me! Daniel!” Dan yelled and got up. He wanted to turn on the lamp but it was on the side of the room that Phil and his very sharp knife was on so he didn’t want to risk it. “Please, Phil. It was just a bad dream, but you’re not there anymore. No one’s gonna hurt you.” 

Just as Phil began to lower his knife, his bedroom door burst open. His father hit the lightswitch as he came in. “What’s going on in here?”

The flash of the light startled Phil and he shielded his eyes as he ran out of the room, knocking his dad against the dresser in the process. 

“Philip!” 

Dan ran after him, but Phil was already running out the door by the time Dan got to the stairs. Once he managed to reach the front door, Phil was gone. No trace of what direction he could have ran. 


	6. VI

Phil was running in the dark; no clue where he was going. He didn't even register that he was barefoot and freezing. It was the middle of the night, temperature had already dropped and all he could see among his surroundings were trees. And all these trees looked like the enemy. He slashed at one, shards of the bark flying off. He turned around and lunged at another, stabbing his knife into the solid wood.

"Shit," he grunted as he tried to pull the knife back out but it was no use. It was stuck. That's when it dawned on him that he wasn't in uniform and that what he attacked was not a person. He ran his fingers over the ridges of the bark then slowly backed away. He turned around in a slow circle, taking in the scene and then he looked down at his feet. "How did I end up here?"

"Phil!" Somewhere in the distance someone was calling his name. He heard it again only it sounded closer this time and he panicked, reaching for the knife again. He yanked on it as hard as he could.

"Phil!" Dan was running through the woods, a jacket thrown on haphazardly as he stumbled over twigs and fallen branches. "Phil!" He squinted his eyes when he heard rustling up ahead. Just barely he could make out the form of someone, someone that looked a lot like his missing best friend. He sprinted towards him.

"Back off! I'm armed!" Phil yelled, still trying to pull the knife out when Dan finally came into view.

"P-Phil... please," Dan panted as he came to a halt, trying to catch his breath. "Please, it's just me. It's just Dan."

Phil finally stopped and looked closer at the person talking to him. "Dan...?"

"Y-Yeah," he breathed. He was resting his hands on his knees, bent over at the waist but stood upright as his breathing started to return to normal. "Dan. Your Dan."

Phil's shoulders dropped and he felt a sinking feeling in his chest. His eyes went from Dan to the knife to himself and embarrassment quickly replaced that feeling in his chest. He opened his mouth to apologize, "I..."

"You don't have to. I understand." Dan closed the distance between them while sliding off his jacket. He wrapped it around his friend. "It's okay. You're okay."

Slowly he shook his head. "I'm not..."

"Did you hurt yourself?"

"No." Phil lowered his voice, but met the brunette's gaze. "But I think I might."

Dan nodded his head lightly and took Phil's hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Let's get you home, yeah?" With his free hand, Dan grabbed the handle of the pocketknife and yanked hard, dislodging it from the trunk of the tree. His eyes locked with Phil's, hesitating only for a moment before offering the blade back to him. "I believe this is yours." 


End file.
